A Communication Column?

This week, I found out that I have a potential opportunity to be the family communication columnist for a cool website (I'll let you know what it is if it works out!). I just submitted this sample column to be considered. What do you think? Likes? Dislikes?


Dear Amy,

Lately, my son has been having a problem with bullying at school. A group of children have targeted him at recess and have been calling him names like “tiny” and “shrimp,” which makes him feel really bad. Is there anything I can tell my son to help him feel better or change the situation? --Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,

If your child is the victim of severe bullying, then you may need to intervene on his behalf. But if he can shift his perspective enough to handle the situation on his own, he will gain confidence and self-esteem that he is capable of successfully handling difficult life experience. An abundance of research continues to show that people who view life from positive perspectives are happier, more successful, and live longer.

Here are a few things to try:

1. Consider the Source. Sometimes, bullies target weaker children because they feel powerless in other aspects of their lives. Maybe there is contention at home. Maybe they have overbearing or controlling parents. Maybe they are not receiving the attention they need at home. Or maybe they have Asperger syndrome or ADHD and simply can’t control themselves. Reminding your son that the problem lies with the bully, not with him, can help to give him perspective.

2. Remind Your Son that He Is Special. Bullies target specific children for a specific reason. Sometimes it’s because the bully feels threatened in some way. Is your son more intelligent, a better artist, more popular, or better looking? Your son is being victimized for a reason, and it is quite likely that he is special in some way that threatens the bully.

By telling your son that he is being bullied because he is special and the bully is jealous, you can help your child shift his perspective from viewing himself as a powerless victim to being a special, important person—a place of power.

3. Cultivate sympathy, not Fear. Telling your child that the bully is jealous will have another important effect on your son’s perspective and the way he handles the situation. Bullies rely on fear of their victims to feel powerful. So framing the bully as a jealous, insecure child will help your child feel sympathy rather than fear for the bully. The emotion of pity comes from a place of power and security. It also fosters the desire to resolve conflict and will help your child treat this problem as a non-issue.

My son, Jacob, was the victim of some mild bullying last year. A boy (whom we will call Jonas) started targeting Jacob and took every opportunity to criticize him at school. Jake came home discouraged one day, saying that Jonas was calling him names and being generally difficult. Our conversation went something like this:

“So, Jake, do you have any idea why Jonas is being mean to you?”

“No. [Silence while he was thinking.] Well, he used to be best friends with Cole, and now I’m best friends with him.”

“So, do you think he is a little bit jealous of you?”

“Jealous?” [Clearly, this had never occurred to him before.]

“Yes, it would be hard to compete with someone as cool as you.”

“But we can all be friends.”

“Maybe he feels like you don’t like him. Is there anything you can do to help fix that? Maybe invite him over or try to play with him at school?”

“Yes, I could invite him to play with us.”

Then Jake hopped out of the car and went to school. About a month later, Jake was listing his best friends. Guess who was on his “A” list? Jonas. Now, I realize that every situation is different, and Jonas could easily have been one of those people who simply didn’t like my son. But by framing Jonas as an insecure child, Jacob felt powerful enough to reach out and form a new friendship.

Good luck, Perplexed! Your son is lucky to have a mother who cares so deeply. I’m rooting for you.


Dr. Amy Osmond Cook received her Ph.D. in communication at the University of Utah. She teaches communication and negotiation classes at Arizona State University.

As the mother of five children, Amy frequently has the chance to practice her negotiation skills and is convinced that children are the toughest negotiators in the world. She is the author or editor of numerous books; and her latest, Negotiate That! Negotiating with your Children without Losing Your Mind, will be published in Spring 2012.